August 6, 2015

My Pregnancy Journey

Filed under: Lifestyle

By Desiree Spinner

Maternity2

I have been staring at a blank screen for two months trying to tell the story of this journey so far. It has been long, blurry, and at times a stressful one…but here I go.

Twenty-two weeks ago I became pregnant with this sweet baby. I felt especially grateful because last December I suffered an unexpected miscarriage. At the time, I was blown away with grief. It was a total shock, and I felt like I may never recover. So in April when I found out I was pregnant again, I was over the moon but also nervous.

Flash forward to 12 weeks later. I was on a walk with W and went to use a public restroom. I had been bleeding. In a complete panic I called my husband to pick me up and rang my doctor. The nurse said I was to come in the next morning for blood work, an ultra sound and the Rh shot. I went into the hospital and had a positive ultrasound experience, but I was still bleeding.

After not hearing from my doctor for a few days so I assumed everything was o.k., but I gave the office a ring to make sure. It turns out (annoying I had to call to find this out) I have what they call a “subchorionic hematoma“. Now, if you too are experiencing this, I urge you not to Google it, because it is misrepresented online. What it really means is that there is a clot in your uterus, and it can cause bleeding during your pregnancy. Here is the most frustrating part: It can cause a miscarriage or it cannot and you will be fine.  All you can do is lay low until the bleeding stops.

HOWEVER, two weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night (3am) to blood, everywhere. Not just a little bit but a TON of bloodlike a crime scene. We rushed to the hospital.  What happens over the next seven hours is a ton of blood work, a shot, and then an ultrasound in which the doctor on call tells me, “You have a massive clot but we can’t do anything for you. You will either have a miscarriage or be o.k.”

At 9am that next morning, I left the hospital feeling scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, and really just sad. Both my pregnancies with Wesleigh and Luke where wonderful, simple and I felt amazing. I never in a million years expected this. My husband and I went straight to my OBGYN to get some more answers. I am so grateful my husband dragged me in there. My doctor put me at ease by saying that although he was concerned I bled so much, the baby looks o.k. and is active. All I could do was go home and take it easy. Super easy with two kids at home right?! He also said the clot should dissolve/resolve by 20 weeks.

Over the next four weeks I refrained from stress, exercise, and anything strenuous. I basically put myself on bed rest. This was so difficult to do between taking care of kids and my home. However, I did a ton of meditating and repeating mantras like “My baby is happy and healthy and will be o.k.”

A few weeks after that and many ultra sounds later, the clot is still present but our sweet baby is healthy and growing. I have wanted to shout from the rooftops how happy we are to have this baby growing inside of me but I have been so scared that something bad will happen. I haven’t bought any baby clothes or a crib (W is still in a crib so we will need two!) or blogged any pregnancy photos because of the fear of having to explain to everyone if something goes wrong.

Two weeks ago I had an epiphany: If anything went wrong, I would want the support of my friends, family, and even my colleagues. I have to think positively, live in this very moment and not fear the future. I have to keep talking to my baby and promising to do everything I can to keep her healthy, even if I look crazy talking to my belly. I have to meditate every morning so that I can get through my day and be the best mom I can be to all my kids…the ones running around outside and the one kicking around inside of me. It’s the only way to be right now. Because right now, in this very moment that I am writing this, my baby is OK! My gratitude is at an all time high, I have become grateful for everything because of this experiencemy health, my children, my husband, my home, my friends…everything. I feel grateful for this and I truly believe that this baby is special and will bless us with her presence in December, just like she is supposed to.

I hope this helps anyone who is going though pregnancy issues whether great or small. I would LOVE to hear and chat about anything you are comfortable sharing. Sending lots of love all around xoxo!

Comments

  1. Bree said

    I experienced the same thing, and it is incredibly scary. The “either you’ll miscarry or not” is just about the most vague, worst thing a mother can hear. Thankfully, I had a very positive outcome (a beautiful 6 pound 14 ounce baby girl) but it was a draining and scary pregnancy. I’m sending you good thoughts and positive energy.

    • Desiree Spinner said

      I am SO happy to hear that!!!! Thank you so much for your thoughts xoxo!

  2. Ellen said

    Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

  3. Beth said

    I too had a subchorionic hemorrhage with the accompanying fear and weeks of bleeding. It’s so hard to hourly/daily live with a body that you feel like you’re supposed to control and a life you’re supposed to protect and yet be so vividly reminded that you’re not in control at all. “Draining and scary” like Bree commented–sooooo true! I too had a happy outcome with the hemorrhage going away on its own and a joyful, healthy delivery of my second baby girl. I’ll be praying for health and peace for you!

    • Desiree Spinner said

      Exactly! Well said! It’s so hard to relax when bleeding always means scary and danger! I am SO happy you had a great outcome and thank you so much for your positive vibes xo!!

  4. Erin said

    My first pregnancy resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. Our joy lasted for 3 days before I started bleeding, then days of bloodwork followed by an ultrasound. Jay and I were devasted leaving my OB but the worst had yet to come. The physical pain began a few hours later and rushed to Brigham’s. I was informed that my OB was on-call at the ER and demanded to see her once I arrived. I had multiple doctors trying to tell me I miscarried multiples etc, med students whispering in the ultrasound room everything. Finally my OB arrived and kicked everyone out, She ROCKED!!!
    I received 2 injections of methotrexate (symptoms returned 2 weeks later and back at the ER).
    As hard as this experience was, we were going to be parents!
    A few months later we had another positive pregnancy test, more bloodwork and ultrasounds, followed by the same fear and anxiety and finally got relief within a few weeks that everything was on track for a healthy pregnancy. We now have a 9.5 month old ‘little monster’ that we adore, he keeps us on our feet to say the least.
    We are sending positive thoughts your way and maybe our little ones will play soon.

    • Desiree Spinner said

      Oh my gosh Erin…it’s crazy because you wouldn’t have your sweet baby if you hadn’t gone through that experience…I am hoping I have a wonderful outcome just like you! XOXO!

  5. kate said

    So beautifully written and shared, Des! You will make a difference to a woman experiencing the same journey. I love your courage. Sending warm wishes for a healthy outcome and lots of love to your family. xx

    • Desiree Spinner said

      Thank you SO much for reading and supporting! You’re the BEST! XO!

  6. Sarah said

    Great post, Des. All the best for your beautiful baby bump, and I am sure with your determination and courage, all will be well xx

    • Desiree Spinner said

      Thank you so much! It means more than you know xo!

  7. Kaleigh said

    Beautifully written Des, praying for you and your newest little one. Having had some pregnancy complications myself, I know the sitting and waiting is the hardest part, but you have a great attitude and it’s clear how much you already love your little girl! Prayers & best wishes for you all.

  8. Melissa said

    Desiree, I am so proud of you for sharing this very personal and often difficult worry and uncertainty of this pregnancy. As your mother-in-law I have always known how strong you are and how lucky Luke and Wesleigh are to have you as their mommy. This baby was determined never to miss the chance to be a part of your family. We adore Luke and Wesleigh and cannot wait to meet our new grandchild. With love, Melissa

    • Desiree Spinner said

      Thank you so much for everything you have done for us! I could never repay you xoxoxo!

  9. Michelle said

    I am a new reader to your blog/instagram. (you don’t know me!) I am loving all your posts and reccommendations for the cape. Thank you for sharing this post so beautifully. You are a fantastic writer and I’m sure will help many who come across this.

  10. Jenn Huber said

    Desiree- what a remarkably unselfish thing to share. I’m amazed at your grace under pressure and your ability to see each day’s blessings. Your kiddos are extremely lucky to have you. I know one little guy that adores you 🙂 please say hello to Luke for me and cradle that new little love to come.

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