I have been staring at a blank screen for two months trying to tell the story of this journey so far. It has been long, blurry, and at times a stressful one…but here I go.
Twenty-two weeks ago I became pregnant with this sweet baby. I felt especially grateful because last December I suffered an unexpected miscarriage. At the time, I was blown away with grief. It was a total shock, and I felt like I may never recover. So in April when I found out I was pregnant again, I was over the moon but also nervous.
Flash forward to 12 weeks later. I was on a walk with W and went to use a public restroom. I had been bleeding. In a complete panic I called my husband to pick me up and rang my doctor. The nurse said I was to come in the next morning for blood work, an ultra sound and the Rh shot. I went into the hospital and had a positive ultrasound experience, but I was still bleeding.
After not hearing from my doctor for a few days so I assumed everything was o.k., but I gave the office a ring to make sure. It turns out (annoying I had to call to find this out) I have what they call a “subchorionic hematoma“. Now, if you too are experiencing this, I urge you not to Google it, because it is misrepresented online. What it really means is that there is a clot in your uterus, and it can cause bleeding during your pregnancy. Here is the most frustrating part: It can cause a miscarriage or it cannot and you will be fine. All you can do is lay low until the bleeding stops.
HOWEVER, two weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night (3am) to blood, everywhere. Not just a little bit but a TON of blood—like a crime scene. We rushed to the hospital. What happens over the next seven hours is a ton of blood work, a shot, and then an ultrasound in which the doctor on call tells me, “You have a massive clot but we can’t do anything for you. You will either have a miscarriage or be o.k.”
At 9am that next morning, I left the hospital feeling scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, and really just sad. Both my pregnancies with Wesleigh and Luke where wonderful, simple and I felt amazing. I never in a million years expected this. My husband and I went straight to my OBGYN to get some more answers. I am so grateful my husband dragged me in there. My doctor put me at ease by saying that although he was concerned I bled so much, the baby looks o.k. and is active. All I could do was go home and take it easy. Super easy with two kids at home right?! He also said the clot should dissolve/resolve by 20 weeks.
Over the next four weeks I refrained from stress, exercise, and anything strenuous. I basically put myself on bed rest. This was so difficult to do between taking care of kids and my home. However, I did a ton of meditating and repeating mantras like “My baby is happy and healthy and will be o.k.”
A few weeks after that and many ultra sounds later, the clot is still present but our sweet baby is healthy and growing. I have wanted to shout from the rooftops how happy we are to have this baby growing inside of me but I have been so scared that something bad will happen. I haven’t bought any baby clothes or a crib (W is still in a crib so we will need two!) or blogged any pregnancy photos because of the fear of having to explain to everyone if something goes wrong.
Two weeks ago I had an epiphany: If anything went wrong, I would want the support of my friends, family, and even my colleagues. I have to think positively, live in this very moment and not fear the future. I have to keep talking to my baby and promising to do everything I can to keep her healthy, even if I look crazy talking to my belly. I have to meditate every morning so that I can get through my day and be the best mom I can be to all my kids…the ones running around outside and the one kicking around inside of me. It’s the only way to be right now. Because right now, in this very moment that I am writing this, my baby is OK! My gratitude is at an all time high, I have become grateful for everything because of this experience—my health, my children, my husband, my home, my friends…everything. I feel grateful for this and I truly believe that this baby is special and will bless us with her presence in December, just like she is supposed to.
I hope this helps anyone who is going though pregnancy issues whether great or small. I would LOVE to hear and chat about anything you are comfortable sharing. Sending lots of love all around xoxo!